11-17 Evans Street, Moonee Ponds, VIC, Australia

Meet 11-17 Evans Street. One day, I was innocently taking a stroll through the side streets of Moonee Ponds, admiring the old houses and enjoying the gardens and suchlike, as you do. And on this stroll, I unwittingly made the fateful turn onto Evans Street. It is otherwise a nice street, like most in Moonee Ponds … but then I rounded a bend and was confronted with the sight of #11-17. I did not know quite what to do. It was quieter than usual, and a sense of depression and destitution hung in the air. I felt like I'd walked into a fucking slum. I just quietly walked on by, trying to sneak a peek without looking too obvious, and then got the fuck around the next corner.

Seriously, this place is hideous and desperately needs to be fixed up. It would benefit even from a couple of token gestures like replacing the missing bricks in the fence and rectifying the askew letterbox. But I can understand why nobody there seems tremendously houseproud: if I lived here, I'd be too damn depressed to set foot outside and attempt to set things right. It just looks like the sort of crummy development for people down on their luck to be herded into so that they can stay down on their luck, or for poor students to be herded into and fleeced of their money while living in a mouldy, dank flat unfit for a dog. The swirly, pseudo-fancy script of "Evans" above one entryway isn't fooling anybody. I must admit I'm hardly surprised that one of the neighbouring lots has been empty for some time.

Was there ever a time when this was attractive? When it was new, could it have possibly been anything other than undesirable? I can't see it. It's sunken, it's bland, it looks cheap and shoddy, and those gates between the units look like the sort of place where you'd get raped on your own property. Did the developers actually employ an architect?

This is a Walshe & Whitelock property if ever I saw one. They'd lap this shit up, and charge you $1,000 a month for the privilege of having a “security entrance” in which you get mugged, “nearby shops” so you can stay out and never go home to the flat you're renting, “nearby public transport” so that you can get even further away, and “close to parks” - i.e. the reservation along Moonee Ponds Creek, an open stormwater drain. Aren't you just signing the lease now?

Rating: Condemnable